If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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