Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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