I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I need to sanitize my soul.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
