I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
