Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
