so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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