I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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