and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
