hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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