I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
