you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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