all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
