the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
