Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
