He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
His hands were made for my vagina.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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