I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
