mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
