An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Bring me that man meat
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
