I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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