Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
