I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
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