How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
