You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
