I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
