I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
