I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"