can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.