I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.