the condom got lost in my hair
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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