ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
