So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
