I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
We smell like vodka and hangover
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