Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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