Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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