So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
