Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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