4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
