Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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