I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
