New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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