Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
