Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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