Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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