sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Vodka?
Forever.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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