I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
