I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
