This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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