i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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