My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
