i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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