I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
