and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
