Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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