So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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