That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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