I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
