Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
