I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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