I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
