Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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