I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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